My name is Ilona. I was born in the Netherlands to a Dutch dad and a Polish mom, I’m 21, a woman, gay, a (self-perceived) intellectual, caucasian, I am nowhere near ‘known’, I have parents, friends, life ambitions and goals, I have talents and secrets. I have loved and I have lost, multiple times. I like cooking, art, American sitcoms and I strive for equality, amongst other things. Everyone has a story. But it never fully defines them.
I can say, the mere fact of being gay hasn’t affected my happiness or my possibilities in life, mostly.
Are you saying being gay is EASY?! Being gay is REALLY difficult in most parts of the world!
Yes. It is. I do realize I am very, very lucky for being able to feel this comfortable and content with my sexuality, and it’s because the country I grew up in, was the first to legalize gay marriage as early as 2001. I was only 9. I didn’t even think about sexuality then, let alone the social stigma’s attached to it. Of course it was harder being a teenager when I first came out, since teenagers don’t think this stuff through as much as adults do, and that’s okay, but I’ve rarely been discriminated against because of my sexual orientation in a work-place environment, a school environment, and rarely (but still most commonly for some reason) in a friendly and trusted environment. Still, I have been (subtly) misjudged and misread. I’ve been a victim of (well-willing) sexist behavior and assault, whether it was aimed at my sexual identity, perceived emotional state, or simply towards my gender given at birth (which I still mostly identify as), which has lead some people to believe I am less capable. Of what? I would never think that!
Well, yes. People have taught me and thought of me that I am: less capable of doing my job, less capable of saying no, less capable of knowing what I want, less capable of being the very best at something, or anything really, less capable of excelling in my field, less capable of understanding certain paradigms, theories and subjects of conversation. I was and will be, because of my body, sexuality and gender amongst other things that hold prejudice, an object of lust, and prone to other people’s misbehavior towards women and LGTBQ people of all shapes and sizes. This has effected me as a human. And this is what I perceive myself as being first and foremost: a human being. Not gay. Not female. Not someone’s daughter, girlfriend, friend, lover, friend-with-some-sort-of-benefit, clubbing-buddy, what-have-you. Human. Did you get that? Did you? I hardly believe so. Let it sink in for a minute.
Because I think the problem doesn’t lie in the way I choose to express myself, which is, one could say: not extravagant, persuasive, or provocative. I don’t wear my ‘inner identity’ on my sleeve. Not because I’m scared to ‘show my inner self’, it’s just not what I feel comfortable with, whereas some people do, and that’s totally okay. I don’t even find the words ‘persuasive’ or ‘provocative’ to be in order for someone who expresses his/her sexual identity with comfort.
But then again, one could STILL say I dress ‘too masculine’, or ‘too comfortable’, ‘too baggy’, too this or that, to be ’ typically ‘feminine’. No offense meant to any woman who identifies and feels comfortable with the ‘typical way’ of female attire, of course. I identify as female. Some women don’t. But how can you let someone else decide whether you are ‘fit to be female’?
You know what, this isn’t even really the issue here. At the end of the day, I don’t really give a crap about how people, and by people I mean mostly, not only men in bars and on the street (or even my own dad, who never wanted me to cut my hair short “because I was such a pretty girl”), perceive me. Because it’s women who give me crap about my sexuality or gender-identity (I like to lean a bit towards the feminine side one day, more to the masculine side the next, even though masculinity and femininity seem like made-up words to me) just as much as men do. "Oh, you never wear skirts? You must be a tough chick!". And even though that’s quite a harmless remark and not that offensive in my book, I don’t feel very comfortable with people calling me a ‘tough chick’. Just because I dress myself in comfortable (yet fashionable, I might add) clothing and I don’t participate in female beauty-trends or such, because I am just not interested in them, doesn’t mean I’m not sensitive. That’s what it’s about, right? My sensitivity, my caring and subordinate nature? What guys and girls around the globe essentially are saying to me, when they label me as a ‘tough chick’, is that I probably don’t take any orders from anyone.
I’m an anarchist! I’m a rebel! I’m a feminist! I’m unnatural! I refuse to ‘go with the flow’.
I’m not, you guys. Really, I’m not. I’m not trying to rub anyone the wrong way here. Seriously, anyone’s gender and/or sexual identity, is none of my business as it’s very, very personal, one’s life values and beliefs are not my place to thoroughly scrutinize and criticize, if you choose to harbor hate and resentment over love, I bet there’s plenty of good reasons for it, or maybe not, honestly… I don’t care. Live and be happy. I’m not a religious person, but I do like that one verse which I think is applicable to all human life, Matthew chapter 22, verse 39: And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’
My point being… The fact that I’m a woman in a highly-developed western country in Europe, has caused me more trouble than being gay. And this… Is something we should all ponder for a minute.
Frankenstein by Mary Shelley
Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms (via sixambootycall)
Kurt Vonnegut (via godmoves)
Got myself a bit of an undercut.
Dit wordt ongeveer mijn volgende tattoeage, yep.
Unknown (via fuckinq)
bedankt :) tijd doet littekens vervagen, ik denk niet dat dit mooi gaat helen, ik hoop natuurlijk van wel, maar we zullen zien. maar gelukkig is er de tijd. bedankt voor je reactie x